A year had passed and life kept going, never slowing down. I cried a lot in privacy because I felt like I had to be strong for my children. I picked up more day care children to make ends meet. Basically, I surrounded myself with children and cut myself off from adults. Most of my time was spent at home cleaning, I was obsessed with cleaning. The other spare time I had I was watching children and taking my own girls to dance classes. Eventually, they were in every dance class you could think of. I knew I needed to keep their minds busy so they didn’t focus on the tragedy at home. I had to be strong for them and myself.
I devoted all of my time to my girls to keep myself distracted as well. They were and are my world. I felt like I needed to fill that void of a dad, and that’s exactly what I did. They deserved so much in life. Two beautiful young girls that didn’t choose this life. My babies deserved so much more.
The struggle of sadness was so real in my head. I was growing weak on how to keep my emotions in tact. Every chance I got I would break down and cry. I remember crying myself to sleep every night into my pillow after my girls fell asleep. Both girls slept with me every night out of fear. My youngest held my shirt all night long so she knew where I was and my oldest daughter became scared thinking “bad spirits” were going to get her. My heart was breaking for both of them. How could I be this strong mom when I wanted to collapse from exhaustion, fear, heartbreak, loneliness, embarrassment and shame?
I had become this person, mommy that feared and still does of the unknown. What do I mean by this, you may ask? I have a great fear to this day that I may lose one of my girls. Fear has literally taken over me with this. Trafficking, being abducted or sexually assaulted is a great fear in my head.
I chose not to date out of hurt and fear of another man disciplining the girls wrongly, fear of them being touched inappropriately, and because of my own insecurities of men towards myself. I just didn’t trust men. Honestly, I still don’t. I had never been given a reason to afterall. Am I attracted to men, of course. This is a question I have encountered a couple of times because I’m single. Being single does not mean you are attracted to the same sex. I know, I got a little off track……
Let’s get back to our lives going on. The girls and I are a very close family. We have always said, we need each other. The girls danced and danced and began competing in competitions. This was our life outside of the home we dreaded being a part of. My head was clouded and often I found myself zoning out into my own world.
I felt lost and I had lost my identity. I had let Sean’s suicide become my new identity. I felt like I would always be that woman that was alone because her husband committed suicide. I never wanted to explain to anyone what had happened. I protected my heart tightly not allowing too many into my story. Vulnerability was something I did not have. Trust was and is a big issue for me.
It was hard being brave and strong for two small people when all I wanted to do was give up myself. I had felt defeated and heartbroken. Everywhere I looked I saw Sean. I could smell him and I could hear his voice. A song would come on the radio and I would sob because I’d imagine hearing him sing. I would look at the couch and see him playing his guitar, only to realize he wasn’t really here anymore. My mind flooded with things he would say to me, good and not so good. I would hear him laugh and yell. The mind can really play tricks on you, don’t you agree?
Life has gone On , but so much has happened throughout the years. So much to write about. So many heartaches and disappointments. Brokenness and loneliness has followed me side by side like best friends throughout my journey. My cries for help often taken for granted. Slowly I found myself my own best friend, yet my worst enemy. I had convinced myself I did not matter.
Life goes on though……
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalms 46:1
💜 Dear Lord, please give me strength and courage to be a better mom, friend and person. I ask you to watch over me Alyssa and Lyndsey keeping us safe wherever we may be in our day. Take my fears away of any harm happening to my girls. I ask you God to give me peace in my heart. In Jesus name, amen. 💜