Fragile yet, Confused…

Let’s jump around a little in my story. I’m going to fast forward to different parts in my life and probably bounce around here and there because after all, I am confused.

Confusion

Over the years I’ve felt so confused in my identity and what the purpose of my journey is. A girl turning into a woman at a fast rapid pace in my life. Learning how to take care of myself since I was 16. What could God possibly be planning for my journey and story in this life. Why did I have to grow up so fast and be the responsible self that I was on my own? I knew I could either drink alcohol with friends, do drugs or for that matter whatever I wanted or I could be that goody girl that did the exact opposite of everyone else. After all, the choice was mine! I was definitely not confused at what direction I wanted to go, but I was confused at who I was and who I am now. Had I chosen to drink even casually would I be different today and would I fit in more around my friends, I really don’t have that answer. I have so much confusion going on within my thoughts, my mind battles with my heart. It’s as if there is a war going on in my head. Had Sean still been alive would things have been better for me, I doubt it. He didn’t initially cause my confusion but only added to it. I felt confusion as a kid , teenager and as an adult. I never really understood and still don’t who I am. I know who people tell me I am, but the battle goes deep within me of who I know I am. As I sit here writing this with a tear drop 💧 streaking down my cheek, I’m confused.

FRAGILE

I think I’ve always been rather fragile and careful to not let anyone see who this confused girl, woman is. My heart has been broken many times in my life but like we all do, I’ve bounced back. However, this time as of the present, I have not been able to bounce back like all of the times before. Something has a tight hold on my thoughts and heart, possibly the enemy, maybe the deep knife stuck in my heart ❤️. My sadness can overwhelm me at times leaving me feeling defenseless and unarmed. Have you ever stepped on a steak knife barefoot? Well, I have and it hurts. I was 13 when I was walking from the kitchen table mad and the knife bounced off the plate only to find itself wedged deep within my foot. My stepdad had me all confused and in a mad rage, not sure what the details were but that’s kinda how my heart feels. I know, how do you help this pain go away? Honestly, I do not know myself. I feel confused how the past and the suicide has left me feeling crippled and held captive. What will it take to stop this cycle that goes through my head? Will God help me stop it? Why won’t it let me be at peace? I know God did not mean for me to be trapped within myself this way. You might ask, do you pray? Of course I pray, I pray all the time. The fact of the matter is I do not know how to heal me.

Confused in Friendships

For many years, 10 to be exact I wasn’t allowed to have friends. I didn’t go out with friends and have fun, I stayed home and raised kids and before that I typically was alone while Sean entertained his friends. A prisoner within the walls of our home. At one point even if I did hang out with friends, I probably wouldn’t have in fear that Sean would cheat on me while I was gone. Silly, yeah I know and especially because he did it right under my nose and flaunted it when I found out. Coming home with hickeys on his neck. Anyhow, let’s get back to Friendships. I am so fragile that I get hurt so easily. At times I don’t know how to share my emotions or feelings and I’m sure that leaves confusion on my friends. Do you know how many times I just want them to hug me and say it’s going to be okay? Now trust me, I didn’t used to let anyone hug me out of fear of being hurt and discovered. That awkward moment of them knowing that I don’t know who I am or how to show emotions or how to receive love. I continually think I’m not good enough or pretty enough to mingle amongst a group of friends. Quite honestly, it freaks me out! Of course I hate these fears and I pray all the time for it to stop. My heart ❤️ is scared and confused. I’m always worried that they too will stop loving me because of who I am. :/

Confusion in Therapy

What can I say… I actually enjoy going to therapy. Just knowing that 1 person sitting across from me truly cares about “ME” and my well being brings so much hope into my heart. I’m so confused on why I can’t cry, (until I get to my car) in therapy. I mean I fully trust her and I know she cares, but it’s that fear of being discovered and the real feelings flooding down my cheeks with salty tears. I ask God all the time to please let me show emotions and please just let me express myself freely. I cannot get past the true reality of feeling ashamed and embarrassed. But, why with someone I trust? I feel ugly, ashamed, mad, sad and confused. Why is this happening to me and why did this have to be part of my story? Why do I have to question the Lord, He is in control not me. When I start to speak I get so nervous when I almost finally share events. My heart starts racing and my vision gets blurry from anxiety. Please God help me, I’m so confused with my hurt and how to let it out. I truly love and trust Violet so why can’t I speak sometimes and share my shame?

Take away the confusion and images…

Dear Lord, I ask you to please free me from this hurt and confusion. Take the images of that day and free me from seeing Sean the way I seen his lifeless body that early morning in November. God thank you for putting Violet in my path to help me see through this shame and hurt. I’m thankful for my friends as well for loving me even when I’m doubting myself. Lord, I have this one friend Andrea and I hurt her by missing her special day because of my own selfishness and insecurities. Please Lord let her know how sorry I am and how much I love her. It’s been making me super sad. Thank you for carrying me down this hard road and not leaving me on my own. Suicide truly sucks and it definitely has shaken up my life. Please help me! In Jesus name I pray, Amen

Fragile and Confused

I’m sorry if this was hard to follow along. My mind is everywhere these days. I feel so fragile, meaning breakable, Confused and alone. One more thing, I honestly miss Lauren also. I’m not sure why God made her impact my life so deeply, but she did and I will never forget her. 😌 And I wish Sean could just tell me that he’s in Heaven and that he’s sorry! 😪

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Anniversaries

I’m not sure what my thoughts are at the moment, but one thing I do know is that the anniversaries surrounding Sean and I are really hard on me emotionally. March 23rd was a big day in our lives, the day we met and the day we got married on. Sean made sure that that was the day we would marry on, that was special to him.

We never meant to hurt one another, we were just two young people that were hurt already and dealing with our hurts two different ways. Sean turned to drugs as a teenager to numb his hurts and rejection and I became quiet, shy and withdrawn to numb mine. Neither one of us knew that we were self destructing in our ways to ourselves or to one another.

When I met Sean I was 19 and very so much shy with low self esteem. He was 18 and suffered with low self esteem himself. It was cute how he would call me from a pay phone every night at the same time. I could here him shuffling around for a nickel so his call wasn’t timed out, this happened often. Sean had no home and was living on his grandmas couch, his friends garage and on park benches. I lived with my aunt at the time. I had moved in with her and my uncle when I was 16. We both came from hard lifestyles of acceptance. Sean living this way because of his step father and his real father not taking part in his life. For myself, my step dad was abusive to me and my sister, both physically and sexually, so I left my mom’s home at 16. My real father kinda forgot about me when I was 9.

So here we were , Sean and I, two complete opposite individuals coming together to love one another. Nothing was the same once I discovered drugs hidden in a jacket pocket hanging in the closet. I just could not get past not wanting to live in that environment and raising children, because I was pregnant by this time, in that environment since I had come from such an abusive childhood home where my father was an alcoholic and my mom was trapped behind four walls living with guilt, shame, lies and abuse. This is not the life I had wanted for my adult family.

I want to take you back to our happy times and not focus on the heartache for a moment.

I can remember getting butterflies in my stomach when I saw Sean or when he’d call me. He was very sweet and good mannered to me. He would open the car door for me and always making sure he kissed me goodbye when I would leave. It was cute, he’d ride his bike to 7-Eleven to get me a heart balloon everyday. He did this for almost a year, yes I had quite the collection of heart balloons. He was a good person with a big heart. He would do anything for me the first year we had met. I can remember driving with him and he pulled over in a parking lot to ask me to please marry him, but I just couldn’t for some reason, I was scared. Here was this boy with long brown curly hair and green eyes that I loved begging me to marry him and I was frozen with fear.

I am so sorry that our lives ended up so messed up at so young. Things took a turn for the worst and life happened.

I do miss Sean greatly and think about him all the time. When I look at our daughters I see him, a song on the radio, I hear him. Someone playing a guitar, I see and hear him. He was so talented with music. I can see a flower and put his words behind it as I photograph it. When I hear a hockey game on tv I can see us sitting in the arena watching it together. How about concerts, I can place us at the Metallica concert together having a great time. The snow, us going to a little store in the snow where he had wanted to buy me a leather jacket in the mountains. Monster trucks and motocross races were awesome. I could go on… I wish the good times were forever.

I hate drugs and alcohol, they ruined my childhood and my adult family life. My family would never be the same because drugs and alcohol took over. The enemy is very clever at ruining families and this happened to us.

I will forever love Sean for the person he was before the drugs and alcohol took over. For giving us 2 beautiful daughters together. I do not miss the person he had become to me when things went bad.

I’m a hurt person and this is my story. I choose to be single for many reasons. The Lord loves me and I’m learning to put my faith in Him. Everyday is a new day for me and some days I will not be okay, but that’s okay. Please love me for who I am and not for the hurt I carry. I have never wanted pity from anyone, only understanding, patience and love.

My life is always a work in progress, just as is yours.

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Dear Lord,

please comfort me in this time of sadness and ease my broken heart. I ask of You to forgive me for not trusting in You with all of my brokenness. Please continue healing my heart and walking with me in this journey. Whatever it may be that your plans are for my life, let me be obedient and hear You. God, can you tell Sean I miss him and happy anniversary for me please. Also, let him know how much he’s missing out on coffee and kitties. I wish the best for him and I pray he’s sitting next to you right now reading this with you.

In Your son’s name I pray, amen.

I love you! 💜🌸

Lost..

At times, many times I feel lost. Have you ever watched a movie and felt like you were the character? The sun is warm, cars are whistling down the street, and people are walking down crowded sidewalks laughing, some have frustration overcoming their faces and others, well you know are content with their day. Much of my day can go from 100 to 0 in a matter of seconds if something throws me off. I find myself on that sidewalk lost and spiraling at a fast speed. I’m that girl in the movie that is walking along the sidewalk with the sun glistening down on me and wanting to burst out in tears because I’m just not sure where I belong or fit in with people. I become lost in the sidewalk crowd dazed and confused. The cars passing by can’t see me as I enter the intersection because in my head I’m invisible , but that small voice whispers to me, April step back onto the curb.

I find myself listening to birds chirp, watching butterflies flutter in the air and staring up at the clouds. Three of my favorite things to do. Why in my head do I feel so lost, so left out, so alone? I wish I could explain it better.

CROWDS…

Something I fear more than anything is crowds. What kind of crowds, you may ask. When it’s a gathering of friends I always feel like the odd man out. I begin to withdrawal and shrink into my shell hoping nobody notices. I become uncomfortable when they focus attention on me, thinking right away what are they thinking about me. Is my hair not up to par, why am I wearing what I’m wearing, is my eyeliner all under my eyes like a raccoon? In my head I just wish I had more confidence and I could love myself, but instead I’m thinking about how so and so’s hair looks so perfect always, how does her makeup never smudge or wow, wish I had her confidence to dress like that. My self esteem just isn’t what Susan’s is.

For years I was told I was stupid and unimportant and I eventually began to believe these words that cut deep into my self esteem as a young girl growing up. I had heard my dad telling my mom she was stupid my entire childhood life and then I went into becoming in a relationship that told me those same cutting words. How did this happen!

10 years of being told I was stupid and made to feel unimportant and an entire childhood of hearing my father tell my mom the same words. I’ve never gotten over these words that pierced me so deeply. I eventually started thinking less of myself and of my looks. I would never fit in or be good enough. I will never have Susan’s life or her beauty. (Susan is just a name I made up).

LORD HELP ME…

God knows every thought I have and every hair on my head. He knows my cries and wipes my tears. He tells me differently about myself and wants me to learn to trust with real faith. I pray often for God to please help me shake these thoughts of myself and to feel important. Sometimes I don’t like walking around in my shoes, it’s a tough job. Have you ever just felt like you’ve beaten yourself up so much that not even a professional boxer can win against you? Well, I have! Just for once I don’t t want to be that face in the crowd that’s looked over, that girl that sits quietly while her friends share beauty tips, and good times together. I want to be that girl that matters enough to be included. I pray God helps me be better everyday and that I can see beauty within myself.

I suffer from PTSD and low self esteem, it surely isn’t anything special. I wish I could take it all back and just rewind what happened in my home, all the hurtful words, drugs, alcohol and physical abuse. The images of Sean that early morning, and the damage that was caused from it all . Will anyone ever truly know how my heart feels and what I’m thinking. Will people love me even though I’m so flawed and hurt. Will they understand how I lost trust in men and how I long to be truly loved? Lord, please help me!

Please guard my heart from the enemy and the ugly lies he tells me. I ask for strength, hope and love in my journey. My heart longs to be loved and understood. Forgive me for my wrongful ways and my insecurities, Lord. Help me to walk in your path as a confident woman that others see and love.

In Jesus name I pray

God, please hear me and help me.

Love me and speak into my life, Lord.

Calm my tears, fears and anxiety.

Let the heaven above shine down on me.

May you quiet my noisy heart and help me feel calm.

All of this I pray in Jesus’ name. 💜

Abandonment

Nobody wants to think of this word as being so serious, but in my head it screams at me loudly like a locomotive crossing the tracks on a windy day.

My feelings of abandonment go back as early as a young girl. I never really knew the word, but feelings of aloneness ran through my head all to well. I would never be good enough no matter what I achieved academically or socially, I had thought to myself as I used to day dream and lie awake in my bed at night wishing I was different. But wait, I was different in my own way. Why couldn’t they accept me for who I was, why was I called vindictive? All I had ever wanted was to be loved for me, the person God called me to be.

My parents would go “out” together occasionally and myself and my brother would stay at our aunt’s house. I hated this more than ever, I knew it meant my parents would pick us up and we’d go home to hear them fight because going out meant alcohol involved. I too often felt like at times they wouldn’t make it back to get us, and this is when the abandonment started. All I could think of was my parents dying in a car crash or my dad hurting my mom. These feelings flooded my mind and at 5 and 6 I didn’t know what to make of these feelings.

Too often I thought my dad wouldn’t come home after drinking all night. Then I sometimes hoped he hadn’t once he did. I was scared for myself for overhearing what would go on between walls and scared for my mom that my dad would hurt her. I had to live this shameful, secret life as a little girl without anyone knowing what I knew. Little did I know, it would affect me deeply throughout my life and in my relationships.

As time went on and I grew up more the abandonment feeling within me had grown stronger. I felt like my mom had abandoned me when I was around 11. I bounced back and forth between homes, my parents were divorced and many times my mom would leave me alone to worry if she’d be back. I had become scared and frail in my head. I was careful to hide my feelings because I wasn’t sure what to do with them. I was called too sensitive as I got older.

I can remember folding my arms on the window ceil starring outside crying as my mom rode off on her boyfriends motorcycle with him wondering if she would come back. She would always promise me she would be back soon and we’d spend time together, but it was usually the next day when she’d return or in the early morning hours. Sometimes the boyfriend would stay over and leave before I woke up. Little did they know, I was awake the entire time.

Things went sour with the boyfriend and he slowly faded away out of my mom’s life. This didn’t mean I was out of the abandonment stage though, it just meant my mom going out more.

By 14 I hadn’t really talked to my dad much anymore. My mom and I had moved to California away from the only family I had ever known and away from my sister. I always felt like I had abandoned my little sister by leaving, but what choice did I have as a kid myself. My dad would call me on Sunday’s, but was that enough for a father to be in a young girl’s life? Birthday and Christmas cards had stopped coming in the mail and contact was less frequent. My dad had left me, out of sight, out of mind.

I wish I could say things had gotten better, but they hadn’t. I had to start a new life in California with new friends and new relatives. Here I was this young girl confused about her own identity and more frail than ever living in a strange new environment. We lived with my grandparents for a little while and my grandma wasn’t too fond of me. She was mean to me and picked on me until I would be grounded or hit. I can remember it being awful living there. I just wanted to disappear at this point.

Soon I would be 16 and I had spent so many nights alone as my mom would be working at a bar and then staying there afterwards to drink . I really loved my mom and I was always so scared for her safety and well being. I had truly felt like she had left me mentally. I felt, abandoned.

I began living with my aunt and uncle by the time I was 16 1/2. I couldn’t take the feeling of being alone anymore. I so longed for someone to love me. After all, isn’t that what we all want in this life?

From 14-17 I was in an off and on relationship with Travis, I was so in love with him. Things changed and he moved to Arizona. We had a long distance weird relationship that involved more of me participating in the relationship. He had gotten another girl pregnant while there and my heart was broken. Once again I felt abandoned by someone I loved.

Time went by and I was now 19 meeting Sean Rounsaville. My heart was still crushed by Travis and I had no trust in men. I let myself open up to Sean little by little and soon I was living with him. Our relationship was rocky from day 1 of living together because I was damaged and my childhood memories affected my thoughts of him touching me. I was modest and super shy. I had seen and heard so much as a child growing up that it did make me uncomfortable. I knew I was in trouble in our relationship already. Sean wasn’t always angry, he really did love me. I didn’t know how to be loved.

10 years flew by, 2 daughters, infidelity on his part, mental abuse, physical abuse and many, many wounds with scars left everywhere on my heart had happened by the time I was 30. This person that loved me so much at 19, that begged me to marry him and brought me a heart balloon everyday was gone, just like that, gone forever! What had happened in our lives that the devil wanted to take everything away from us and we let him. I felt so abandoned and alone.

This abandonment went deep, deeper than any other feelings of abandonment. This meant forever, he wouldn’t be coming back. Nothing could fix this situation, absolutely nothing.

Abandonment in friendships

My abandonment issues run deep and are powerful in my head. After Sean, I would forever feel abandoned, even in my friendships. Close friends stopped talking to me shortly after things had calmed down and my life literally became filled with raising my girls and working. I surrounded myself with children in my life. I knew God had put a great deal of love in my heart for children to heal my heart. The feelings of being abandoned in a friendship is hard. Even when I hadn’t been abandoned, I felt otherwise. The feeling was just too real for me. Everyone in my life that I had cared about and loved had left me and now that I was allowed to have friends it was happening in my friendships. One of my deepest friendships that I felt abandoned in was with my friend Angela. I took this hard and this is when the self harm started. That I can’t talk about freely at this time. Today I struggle with these abandonment thoughts more than ever. I’m sensitive and I’m a hurt person. I have feelings of not being loved and that I’m not good enough. I’m scared people I love will leave me in death or just leave. I’m even scared that my therapist that I trust and love will leave me. My abandonment goes deeper than anyone truly can imagine.  

Dear Lord, Forgive me for not trusting that you won’t ever leave me alone and scared. I pray God that I will be okay and learn to trust. Lord, thank you for walking alongside me in this journey that I so carefully am slowly able to share with others. Please God give me strength and courage to continue. I hope God that my story can help someone else. Thank you God for loving me. In Jesus name I pray, amen. 💜

💜💜💜💜💜

Healing

Shortly after Sean had taken his own life I began getting counseling through the LDS Counseling Services, the church paid a years worth of therapy for me. At first when I went I was hesitant and feeling like know one could make this hurt subside, not even God. I was so hurt and fragile. My entire world had quickly changed like the kernels popping into fluffy popcorn. Just like that, nothing would be the same ever again.

I remember my first visit to the Counseling Center, driving there thinking to myself, what on earth would I possibly say about what had happened? What would this complete stranger be able to say to me to change my heart, my anger, my sadness and denial that this was “my new life”? What would this person look like and how would she see me as a person that was living this life of sin?

Denial: One stage of Grief

This stage was so clearly going through my mind as I thought all of these thoughts. No way this was really my new life! Anyhow, I had arrived at the Colton office of LDS Family Services with my palms sweaty and fear throughout my entire body. As I opened the door and arrived to the front desk I knew this was it, the time I had to really talk about the suicide in my home. Would I be able to do this?

I sat there in the waiting room wondering if I could handle this and before I knew it a counselor, Melissa Walkup had opened the door to greet me. She had blonde hair, was soft spoken and pretty. I remember sitting in a chair and her behind a desk. She was very nice and I was so shy and hurt that I had trouble speaking. I had no clue how or where to begin. I know that she made me feel calm after I could see that she knew how uneasy I was. Slowly, I began sharing and opening up with Melissa over many sessions. I had begun discussing my hurts with my family as well as the suicide in my sessions. At times I felt angry at Sean as we talked about the suicide. Other times I found myself bargaining with myself that if I would have just stopped going to church and let him continue abusing me and drugs then this wouldn’t have happened.

Anger: another stage of Grief

Bargaining: yet, another stage of Grief

Melissa was really good at making me feel loved and especially by our Heavenly Father. She would remind me every time how much I was loved. I can honestly say I looked forward to our sessions as I went weekly. That feeling of someone listening to me and truly caring about me was special for me. I felt accepted by someone God put in my life. It didn’t matter what I shared with Melissa, she would still love me the same.

Acceptance: another stage in Grief

A year was soon arriving and I knew it, as I kept it marked on my calendar and I would soon be completing my counseling provided by the church. I had begun to feel depressed about leaving and about the suicide. I knew in my heart that I was not okay, but I had to be.

Depression: one of the last stages of Grief for me.

That day had come and I had to tell Melissa goodbye. She was such an important part of my journey and I knew I would miss her so much. One true person that cared and loved me, gone! I cried all the way home that day.

Weeks later I had received a card from her in the mail saying she tried contacting me, but they had the wrong number on file. She told me she was getting married and reminded me of how loved I am and to not forget that. This card touched my heart deeply, so deeply that I still have it and read it from time to time. I’ve always missed her and her wise words.

Self-healing strike out

Years later I would once again revisit counseling. This time it was at CBU Counseling Services. Nervous as ever and shy I walked into the office to speak to a lady behind the counter. She advised me to sit in the waiting room until I was called. I had not wanted to be there at all, yet forced by friends. I knew I was not ready to talk about this again. I was having feelings of sadness, loneliness and anger. Why was I here! I can’t remember her name , but it started with a T and she was a frail African American woman. She was nice and I tried my best to connect with her after many sessions, but it wasn’t happening. I learned many new scriptures she had me read every week but that was the extent of it. I was too sad and mad in my head to continue on so I eventually just stopped going and her phone calls to check on me had stopped.

Ready or Not…

Third times a charm, right? One day a friend was talking about how awesome her therapist was and I was really listening to her as she spoke of her. I played on those words for a couple of weeks not telling anyone what I was processing in my heart until one day a voice spoke to me saying I was ready to talk about it again. I asked my friend the number and soon I was dialing the number and making my first appointment. I was so worried how I would pay to get therapy for myself, but where I went was to The Grove Counseling Center and the Lord had already taken care of the financial part for me. I felt so blessed as I walked through the doors that day. I was super nervous and scared though as I waited to see Lauren Goodman, my new therapist. All those thoughts of what would she think of me started flooding my mind as it did the first time I had ever received therapy. Lauren was very nice, has blonde hair, really blue eyes and was super pretty. She had a super great attitude and she had this way about her that growing trust with her was easy. I’m not going to lie, I was so nervous opening up and still shy. My self confidence was teetering on the fence and at times I wanted to just cry, but I didn’t know how. Lauren has always listened to me and I could tell she cared about me. Sometimes I think I stumped her on how to get me to open up, but in my head I was screaming for help. I did trust her though with my story and feelings. She would encourage me spiritually and tell me how much God loves me, share scriptures with me, gospel music , talks on vulnerability and sermons. My trust grew quickly with Lauren and I looked forward to my sessions with her. She made me laugh and cared. I started believing in myself and people noticed a change in me. Friends said I seemed happier and they could see it in my eyes. Eventually, I shared the letter Sean had left behind with her, this was huge for me. As she read it, because I couldn’t I could see in her face love for me as a person and that she cared about my feelings and most importantly, she heard, really heard my story. When I found out Lauren would be getting married and leaving the Grove I was happy for her happiness, but sad that someone I grew so much trust in would be leaving me. My abandonment issues slowly would arise and sadness filled my heart. I was beyond sad for months and people once again could see a difference in me, but this time they saw my sadness. I know she did not abandon me but was starting her life with someone she loves. Lauren has never really left me, til this day as we speak sometimes I still seek her for counsel, encouragement and prayer. I will never forget Lauren, I am so grateful for her and I do love everything about her. I always miss talking in session with her.

Goodbyes and blessings

Here I was once again starting over in my therapy. Omg where was I even going to start at? I asked Lauren and she said, start with family. Family, one subject that was hard for me but the suicide was even harder! Here I was once again sitting across from my “new” therapist that Lauren had picked for me trying to trust. I didn’t even know where to begin with this trust because I was still so sad about Lauren leaving. Anyhow, Violet Esparza is her name and I had told myself I was going to be selective on what I’d share with her. I was feeling stubborn in my head and wasn’t sure if I could do this again. Violet has long blonde hair, super sweet and she too is pretty. After a couple of sessions I decided to let my guard down with Violet and slowly I began trusting her with my story. I had always liked Violet all along sense the first time I had met her in session with Lauren. She was caring, kind and loving towards me. I knew the Lord had placed her in my journey and story for a purpose. I was and am broken, but healing day by day. Violet encourages me through scripture, prayer, reminders of God’s love for me and uplifting text messages to encourage me throughout my week that I matter. I can’t say enough how much that has meant to me , I have never had someone show that kind of love and concern for me. Violet has become a big part of my story and I have learned to trust her 100%. She listens to me and counsels me through God’s love. I look forward to our sessions. I learned to laugh and to be myself when I’m in session. I’ve probably only been upset at her twice but even that lasted a whole 30seconds. I don’t always open up in session the way I want to, but she is always patient with me. Sometimes I take 10 steps forward in my healing and 10 steps backwards. Violet makes me feel comfortable and let me tell you, talking about suicide, domestic violence and other issues is never easy with someone else. I’m grateful to the Lord for putting yet another wonderful person into my life journey. She has encouraged me to draw and color again and to be the best me. I love Violet and am blessed.

5 Stages of Grief

Anger, Bargaining ,Acceptance Depression and Denial.

I’m hopeful that one day I will be better and I will see how much people say I matter to be true. Being in session with Violet makes me feel like My Safe Place.

The wise listen to others . Proverbs 12:15

Dear Lord, I thank you for all the many wonderful people you’ve brought into my story and journey through such a tough time. I am most grateful for these women of the most highest king . Lord, I ask you to bless each and everyone one of them for the special gift you have given them to pour love down on others unconditionally. I ask you to help me see that I matter in this storm and in my daily life. Thank you God for loving me and for never leaving my side. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen💜💜💜💜💜

God and escaping….

Right around my 28th birthday I decided I needed an escape from my home life for my own mental health so I seeked God and a church.

I knew who God was and never denied his presence, but I had no intimate relationship with Him. I can remember going to Sunday school as a young girl on the Sunday School bus and sitting in church at my grandparents church which was Pentecostal , but never really knowing God.

For almost 2 years I had been paying attention to my friend Aileen and the love she had shown for the Lord. I just loved everything about her interactions with people and her daily walk. I often wondered what sparked her love so deeply for a God that I did not know. I started slowly changing my heart and my ways to seek this beauty that she showed towards God and others. I stopped swearing and I began reading the Bible. I had to sneak reading it because Sean would get agitated with me if he saw me reading it. He often called people bible freaks, Jesus freaks or posers for wanting to learn about God.

There was just so much enthusiasm in Aileen’s voice when she would share God’s word with me, how could I not be curious!

At night I would lay in bed and the girls and I would listen to worship music that Aileen had given me. I was so careful to not let Sean know about it because I didn’t want to fight or for him to break it.

We would fight so bad about church. The girls and I eventually began going every Sunday with Aileen. She would pick us up and take us there with her. One Sunday morning Sean became angry that we were going and had begun yelling at me while he was showering. He got out of the shower and I slammed the door because I had known all to well what was coming next. He punched a hole in the door and eventually exited the bathroom screaming at me to look at the “Big Picture”. We stood in the hallway arguing and out of know where he head butted me and then hit his head on the cabinet door out of anger. He was furious and I was hurt and scared.

Needless to say, things never changed with his feelings towards us going to church. He would slowly become controlling over it not letting me take Lyndsey, our youngest daughter whenever he wanted to be mean. I started learning how to talk to The Lord on my own and I would pray for God to help me. My connection and understanding with God had become stronger and this scared Sean. He felt like he had lost me to God. His outbursts had gotten worse and the drug abuse and depression grew within him.

Little did Sean know, God had always known Sean and I. We are His children and we were both lost to crappy childhoods and living without our Father in Heaven in our lives.

The LDS church was good to the girls and myself. They took care of us and comforted us in times of need. They paid for parts of the funeral and loved on us. They checked in on us to make sure we were okay and prayed with us many times.

After 7 years I eventually felt God pulling me in a different direction. I prayed about it and I knew God was leading me to Sandals Church. I had seen another friends love for the Lord and was drawn to see where this love was coming from so I asked her, Angela was her name if I could go with her and right away I knew this was where I would continue my walk with the Lord.

I’m not sure why things happen the way they do, but in mine and Sean’s case suicide would take place. Two broken, hurt, lost people trying to fill one another’s love tanks from broken crummy childhoods. I guess we both knew in our hearts that this wasn’t possible. One of us would seek God and the other a coping mechanism that would soon kill Sean, drugs and alcohol. In my heart I will always love Sean and I do miss him and the love we shared when we were in love. His hugs, his kisses his sweetness. The enemy was stronger than Sean and he was too broken to get out.

Dear Lord, please forgive the both of us. I pray that Sean has found a way to love himself and God I ask you to help me love myself. Lord I know we were two young broken people trying to figure this life out and one of us escaped the abuse within ourselves and I was left to figure out life on my own with our girls, but God I know you have never left me and I’m grateful for that. Thank you Lord for the good times we had together and I ask if you can tell Sean that I am sorry and I did love him. Lord, my prayers are that he’s with You, Lord in a more beautiful place.

In Jesus name I pray, amen. 💜

Two young people in love

Two young people growing up

Two young people hurt

Two young people broken

Two young people parting

Love could not hold us together

Until we meet again,

Goodbye , but not forever! 💜💔

Life goes on

A year had passed and life kept going, never slowing down. I cried a lot in privacy because I felt like I had to be strong for my children. I picked up more day care children to make ends meet. Basically, I surrounded myself with children and cut myself off from adults. Most of my time was spent at home cleaning, I was obsessed with cleaning. The other spare time I had I  was watching children and taking my own girls to dance classes. Eventually, they were in every dance class you could think of. I knew I needed to keep their minds busy so they didn’t focus on the tragedy at home. I had to be strong for them and myself. 

I devoted all of my time to my girls to keep myself distracted as well. They were and are my world. I felt like I needed to fill that void of a dad, and that’s exactly what I did. They deserved so much in life. Two beautiful young girls that didn’t choose this life. My babies deserved so much more. 

The struggle of sadness was so real in my head. I was growing weak on how to keep my emotions in tact. Every chance I got I would break down and cry. I remember crying myself to sleep every night into my pillow after my girls fell asleep. Both girls slept with me every night out of fear. My youngest held my shirt all night long so she knew where I was and my oldest daughter became scared thinking “bad spirits” were going to get her. My heart was breaking for both of them. How could I be this strong mom when I wanted to collapse from exhaustion, fear, heartbreak, loneliness, embarrassment and shame? 

I had become this person, mommy that feared and still does of  the unknown. What do I mean by this, you may ask? I have a great fear to this day that I may lose one of my girls. Fear has literally taken over me with this. Trafficking, being abducted or sexually assaulted is a great fear in my head. 

I chose not to date out of hurt and fear of another man disciplining the girls wrongly, fear of them being touched  inappropriately, and because of my own insecurities of men towards myself. I just didn’t trust men. Honestly, I still don’t. I had never been given a reason to afterall. Am I attracted to men, of course. This is a question I have encountered a couple of times because I’m single. Being single does not mean you are attracted to the same sex. I know, I got a little off track……

Let’s get back to our lives going on. The girls and I are a very close family. We have always said, we need each other. The girls danced and danced and began competing in competitions. This was our life outside of  the home we dreaded being a part of. My head was clouded and often I found myself zoning out into my own world. 

I felt lost and I had lost my identity. I had let Sean’s suicide become my new identity. I felt like I would always be that woman that was alone because her husband committed suicide. I never wanted to explain to anyone what had happened. I protected my heart tightly not allowing too many into my story. Vulnerability was something I did not have. Trust was and is a big issue for me. 

It was hard being brave and strong for two small people when all I wanted to do was give up myself. I had felt defeated and heartbroken. Everywhere I looked I saw Sean. I could smell him and I could hear his voice. A song would come on the radio and I would sob because I’d imagine hearing him sing. I would look at the couch and see him playing his guitar, only to realize he wasn’t really here anymore. My mind flooded with things he would say to me, good and not so good. I would hear him laugh and yell. The mind can really play tricks on you, don’t you agree?  

Life has gone On , but so much has happened throughout the years. So much to write about. So many heartaches and disappointments. Brokenness and loneliness has followed me side by side like best friends throughout my journey. My cries for help often taken for granted. Slowly I found myself  my own best friend, yet my worst enemy. I had convinced myself  I did not matter. 

Life goes on though……

 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalms 46:1


💜 Dear Lord, please give me strength and courage to be a better mom, friend  and person. I ask you to watch over me Alyssa and Lyndsey keeping us safe wherever we may be in our day. Take my fears away of any harm happening to my girls. I ask you God to give me peace in my heart. In Jesus name, amen. 💜