Let’s jump around a little in my story. I’m going to fast forward to different parts in my life and probably bounce around here and there because after all, I am confused.
Over the years I’ve felt so confused in my identity and what the purpose of my journey is. A girl turning into a woman at a fast rapid pace in my life. Learning how to take care of myself since I was 16. What could God possibly be planning for my journey and story in this life. Why did I have to grow up so fast and be the responsible self that I was on my own? I knew I could either drink alcohol with friends, do drugs or for that matter whatever I wanted or I could be that goody girl that did the exact opposite of everyone else. After all, the choice was mine! I was definitely not confused at what direction I wanted to go, but I was confused at who I was and who I am now. Had I chosen to drink even casually would I be different today and would I fit in more around my friends, I really don’t have that answer. I have so much confusion going on within my thoughts, my mind battles with my heart. It’s as if there is a war going on in my head. Had Sean still been alive would things have been better for me, I doubt it. He didn’t initially cause my confusion but only added to it. I felt confusion as a kid , teenager and as an adult. I never really understood and still don’t who I am. I know who people tell me I am, but the battle goes deep within me of who I know I am. As I sit here writing this with a tear drop 💧 streaking down my cheek, I’m confused.
I think I’ve always been rather fragile and careful to not let anyone see who this confused girl, woman is. My heart has been broken many times in my life but like we all do, I’ve bounced back. However, this time as of the present, I have not been able to bounce back like all of the times before. Something has a tight hold on my thoughts and heart, possibly the enemy, maybe the deep knife stuck in my heart ❤️. My sadness can overwhelm me at times leaving me feeling defenseless and unarmed. Have you ever stepped on a steak knife barefoot? Well, I have and it hurts. I was 13 when I was walking from the kitchen table mad and the knife bounced off the plate only to find itself wedged deep within my foot. My stepdad had me all confused and in a mad rage, not sure what the details were but that’s kinda how my heart feels. I know, how do you help this pain go away? Honestly, I do not know myself. I feel confused how the past and the suicide has left me feeling crippled and held captive. What will it take to stop this cycle that goes through my head? Will God help me stop it? Why won’t it let me be at peace? I know God did not mean for me to be trapped within myself this way. You might ask, do you pray? Of course I pray, I pray all the time. The fact of the matter is I do not know how to heal me.
Confused in Friendships
For many years, 10 to be exact I wasn’t allowed to have friends. I didn’t go out with friends and have fun, I stayed home and raised kids and before that I typically was alone while Sean entertained his friends. A prisoner within the walls of our home. At one point even if I did hang out with friends, I probably wouldn’t have in fear that Sean would cheat on me while I was gone. Silly, yeah I know and especially because he did it right under my nose and flaunted it when I found out. Coming home with hickeys on his neck. Anyhow, let’s get back to Friendships. I am so fragile that I get hurt so easily. At times I don’t know how to share my emotions or feelings and I’m sure that leaves confusion on my friends. Do you know how many times I just want them to hug me and say it’s going to be okay? Now trust me, I didn’t used to let anyone hug me out of fear of being hurt and discovered. That awkward moment of them knowing that I don’t know who I am or how to show emotions or how to receive love. I continually think I’m not good enough or pretty enough to mingle amongst a group of friends. Quite honestly, it freaks me out! Of course I hate these fears and I pray all the time for it to stop. My heart ❤️ is scared and confused. I’m always worried that they too will stop loving me because of who I am.
Confusion in Therapy
What can I say… I actually enjoy going to therapy. Just knowing that 1 person sitting across from me truly cares about “ME” and my well being brings so much hope into my heart. I’m so confused on why I can’t cry, (until I get to my car) in therapy. I mean I fully trust her and I know she cares, but it’s that fear of being discovered and the real feelings flooding down my cheeks with salty tears. I ask God all the time to please let me show emotions and please just let me express myself freely. I cannot get past the true reality of feeling ashamed and embarrassed. But, why with someone I trust? I feel ugly, ashamed, mad, sad and confused. Why is this happening to me and why did this have to be part of my story? Why do I have to question the Lord, He is in control not me. When I start to speak I get so nervous when I almost finally share events. My heart starts racing and my vision gets blurry from anxiety. Please God help me, I’m so confused with my hurt and how to let it out. I truly love and trust Violet so why can’t I speak sometimes and share my shame?
Take away the confusion and images…
Dear Lord, I ask you to please free me from this hurt and confusion. Take the images of that day and free me from seeing Sean the way I seen his lifeless body that early morning in November. God thank you for putting Violet in my path to help me see through this shame and hurt. I’m thankful for my friends as well for loving me even when I’m doubting myself. Lord, I have this one friend Andrea and I hurt her by missing her special day because of my own selfishness and insecurities. Please Lord let her know how sorry I am and how much I love her. It’s been making me super sad. Thank you for carrying me down this hard road and not leaving me on my own. Suicide truly sucks and it definitely has shaken up my life. Please help me! In Jesus name I pray, Amen
Fragile and Confused
I’m sorry if this was hard to follow along. My mind is everywhere these days. I feel so fragile, meaning breakable, Confused and alone. One more thing, I honestly miss Lauren also. I’m not sure why God made her impact my life so deeply, but she did and I will never forget her. 😌 And I wish Sean could just tell me that he’s in Heaven and that he’s sorry! 😪